Thursday, October 30, 2008

Broken


I'm broken. Tired, stressed and broken.

Ain't posted in an age due to new girl stress, work stress, finding new house stress, drinking waaaaay too much stress, smoking every cigarette I can get my hands on and generally fretting stress.

I can't do it anymore. Any of it.

Want to quit work, want to quit the girl, want to quit the drink and the cigarettes (obviously some of these things are not entirely a bad idea...) and most of all I really want to quit being the person that I've become.

How is it, and why is it that we end up being... sorry, that I end up being someone completely different than the person I know I am? This has been the hardest two years of my life and I would love to believe the adage of whatever don't kill ya makes you a ninja, but frankly, I'm not wearing cotton pajamas, kicking people in the face and killing pandas with my brain. Ninjas can do that you know...

I've talked myself into being with the girl, I think. I've certainly talked myself into doing the job producing and directing the tele show that I don't want to do but will pay rent and bills but is causing me to squeeze my metaphorical insides like a tube of toothpaste. I've been ignoring my friend who I adore and I really, really don't feel like having sex. Even with myself. Or another person. Which is unusual. I rather like sex. Especially with another person.

Being a rather selfish, yet giving person (I'm a complicated contradiction) I really don't know how to deal at the moment. I'd quite like to run away, but I don't trust anyone to look after my piano properly, and I'd probably only run as far as my local bar anyway. But I can't. I'm moving house on Sunday after shooting the first episode of the new show on Saturday and then editing it on Monday for a Wednesday on-air date.

I'm freeeeeeaking out.

10 comments:

Selma said...

I'm sorry, hon. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You might feel better after you move. I often feel very discombobulated before a move. BTW, I love 'discombobulated.' It is one of my favourite words along with 'lackadaisical' and 'filigree.' I am still trying to use them all in the one sentence.
Take care of yourself.

kimba said...

Sounds like you are getting your period Sim Sim..

I moved last week.. and it shakes you up - there's a whole lot of denial in the lead up..and then displacement for god knows how long when you move into the new place..

Right now, after spending six nights here I can see that I am surrounded by my things.. but it doesn't look right or smell right here.. It's horrible.

Three words of advice
- forking out a couple of hundred dollars for removalists is money well spent.
-label the box with the toaster and coffee maker AND the box with the mugs and plates.. AND the cutlery box. If I know anything. I know you'll need those boxes.
-wait until you have moved in and unpacked before you break up with girl and left job.. the housemoving stress will be over in a wee while.. and you'll be almost normal again - I promise x

the projectivist said...

i second everything that the lovely kimba says. you oughta listen to her, she's clever.

sounds like you've got a bit of a list going. tackle one thing at a time and you'll have your ninja pants back on in a snap.

i've missed your bloggish goodness - hope things settle down soon Mr Simian.

kimba said...

Don't listen to The Projectivist.. I suspect she just wants to get into my pants..

*wink*

Similar Simian said...

Would you be wearing said pants while she's trying to get into them?

Or are they lying on the floor?

Kinda changes the context somewhat...

Appreciate the advice, and you're probably right Kimbaroo. Although for some reason covering myself in cheese seems like an excellent way to relieve stress.

Ju said...

I am going to call you right now. i will have a cigarette too...we are more similar that you realise my friend...except...I am not convincing myself to be with the girl...shes hot..

Kate said...

I will join you in a cigarette, just because I miss smoking.
Why does covering yourself in cheese solve anything?
Cheese attracts flies.
Chocolate attracts girls.
Use nutella, that'll weed out the hardy ones.

jon said...

Check out this art:

http://www.artaustralia.com/issues/
Vol44_No3_Autumn2007/article80
_feature.gif

Temporary Displacement, 2005, by Louisa Dawson.

TEMPORARY...

I also echo all of Kimba's thoughts...

keep swinging ;)

jon

kimba said...

How did it all go my luttle kewee frind?

the projectivist said...

ok
stop being broken
and come back and post!