Thursday, October 2, 2008

Close


I've been internet dating. The woman I have stopped seeing was an internet. It worked. First dates are easy. Second dates, not so much. Third dates more difficult still. Finding my woman who knows? Good fucking luck.

Last night I hitched up my special trousers and sprayed the special scent around my general direction and went on a first date with a woman that we'll call Ms MJ. I had arranged to meet Ms MJ last week before I had my whispered promise moment with a woman that I never thought I'd see again.

The whispered promise girl hasn't called.

So I went and dated.

We shook hands and stared at each other. Open faced and button nosed she was. Guileless and unlined but with a weary shadow across her eyes. It was as if she had sealed shut some doors on herself, and stood guard over them. There was pride. I admire that in a woman. It should never, ever be underestimated. But there was maybe a little sadness too. It's taken me a long time to realise that everyone is just as tired, worried, proud and sad as you or me. Mostly me. The heartbreaking joy I put into sowing emotions that might bloom is something that gives me the strength to face the fear of love and the desparate hunger of loneliness.

So, under the indigo sky of Auckland I dated. Voices were raised in laughter and excitment. Drinks were drained. Drinks were ordered. 'Same again? Sure... your round?' There's a kind of inspiration that's not much more than doing the right thing in the right way, but it only happens when I empty my heart of ambition, purpose and plan. It only works when I give myself completely to the moment, golden and relentless. So I kissed her. Properly. A good kiss is like a promise. I can tell in that first kiss if I want to dream of future nights with this woman.

It was a very good kiss.

And now I'm conflicted. The whispered promise has not called. I've had four emails today with the lovely past woman. I've just had a text from Ms MJ.

Conflicted. And yet content. I don't know how that works, but somehow, for me, it does. But I have no idea what to do. None.

7 comments:

the projectivist said...

lordy!

you've got women coming out of your ears over there!

i'm picturing you slipping into your special trousers and dousing yourself in cologne, all to the soundtrack of Saturday Night Fever. John Travolta had some special pants in that film!

why is it more difficult come the third date? if it's right, shouldn't it be easier as you go along, not harder?

why do you need to do anything? can't you just float along, enjoying the whole thing, and see what happens?

are there rules? i've no idea.

help me Obi-Wan Kenobi
you're my only hope.

Similar Simian said...

No rules as far as I know... but what I don't know could fill a rather large and wordy book.

First dates are easy coz there's no pressure. I realise that might sound wrong, but to my way of thinking I'm meeting someone that I don't know, who doesn't know me... so why should I care about their opinion of me? And to be frank, I generally don't care. Three dates in however, I do care.

I dunno Ms P. It don't happen often but I'm having a wee introspective October. Need to stop over-thinking.

Where's the vodka?

Ju said...

darling friend...you have never ever written more beautifully than that post. Bide your time but make a choice early...i reckon that people like you and I really "know" if it ia worth pursuing right from the start. talked tonight. talk tomorrow. trunk

Selma said...

Follow your heart, but remember, the kiss says it all....

kimba said...

read the last line of Yeats again.. and go forward.. softly.. for you may be someone's dreams..

jon said...

Stop. Pause. Breathe. Do nothing...

You ran an ad of the heart on the wind, and now she's blowing back at you. Enjoy the breeze on yer pudgy little face fer awhile.

Breathe. Sit. Observe.

Nobody ever got shot for remaining calm.

Similar Simian said...

'pudgy little face'???

Watch yourself there Jon Boy... I know where you live... and I know ninjas. And they like me more than they like you.

And by the way - people do get shot for sitting still.

Ms Kimba - Yeah, I hear ya. Good advice.