Monday, December 1, 2008

A Post In Two Parts

Firstly - I've had a few requests for pics of my new place from overseas folk, so here, courtesy of my reliable phone camera are a few of the lounge, kitchen and of course, my piano. The exposure aint great coz I really just couldn't be arsed, but you get the idea... Lots of space, lots of open plan type styles and plenty of wood.

I swear, there is not a better phone camera on the market then my darling Nokia N95. 5 megapix and it forgives me when I cheat on it with my Canon SLR. Geek info over.

Second part - moving... you know what happens... you clear out a few drawers and discover thngs you haven't seen in years. I bumped into an old love letter from a girl that broke my heart, and frankly for a girl that shattered me, she said some very nice things. Girls are complicated.

I also came across a piece of writing I did a couple of years ago. I used to be the movie reviewer, and television editor, for a New Zealands biggest music and lifestyle magazine. It's called Rip It Up, and while I stopped writing for them about a year ago I loved the whole process.

Aaanyway - moving... I found a review that I wrote that the mag refused, kindly, but still refused, to publish. So fuck it. Here it is. The movie has come and gone but I still kinda like the complete and utter nonsense that this review is... See below.

By Similar Simian

The Flick

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of The Transporter. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it Kittens Making Candles and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

Two cool things about the movie and one thing I didn’t like -
Cool Thing 1
Heavy metal during battle scenes - Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? Lord Of The Rings could’ve used some Guns n Roses. This movie has that chu-chung! kind of metal that you hear in your head when your 17 year old boss at Caltex is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with rocks in your hand.
Cool Thing 2
Foes, Mini Bosses and a Big Boss - Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Paul Holmes on his back.

Not So Cool Thing

Dude Nudity (or Dud-ity) - These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen ass lunch. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.


jon dude (Ass Ruler) said...

I understand the Editorial decision now: you said 'DUDE!!' and 'ass ruling' too much (really: even one 'dude' is too much).

what is 'ass-ruling', by the way? A technical explanation would be welcome...

the projectivist said...

hmmmm K - Y

are the letters for JELLY
on the other side of the room?

Ju said...

I remember that review!!! I remember reading it just after you wrote it and I nearly wet my pants cos i think that it is really really funny...specially imagining eyes with boners. hehehe
Like your new home...who;s the hot guys with the short hair and shorts??

Sam said...

Your new pad looks nice!

Thank you for the review of "300" it has confirmed everything I thought it was, on steroids.You should pitch the sentient boob idea to Dreamworks - they might go for it.

Anonymous said...

Have you seen the send up they did of '300' on Robot Chicken? Hilarious. I like the set up you have for your TV. I don't think I'd ever go out!