Merry Fricking Christmas

To all that I know from this little place... I hope your day is a little bit lovely.

Chrissy Kisses.

Matt

I just squished a mosquito

The title of this post has absolutely no bearing on its subject, but I just squished a mozzie and I'm rather pleased about it.

My last post was about those three little words. "I Love You'. Those three words make up my favourite phrase in the entire english language. They can reduce a person to the depths of crusty loneliness, or they can raise a person to heights achieved only by the most magnificient pavlova.

Turns out not so much for me with the three little words. In a conversation on Monday morning I was told (among other things) that; 'your friends think that you're immature, offensive and annoying'... 'you think you're funny, but in fact you're just rude'... and my personal favourite, 'if you were like this around my friends they would cut you down and you would embarrass me'.

Now, the fact that I can't be arsed spell checking 'embarassed' shouldn't count against me.

This conversation on Monday morning that really shook me. Not just figuratively. I called my good friend Ms Coventry about an hour after the fact and I was shaking. For a good twenty five minutes my personality was dissected and torn apart. And I shook.

I don't hurt easily, but this woman who just a few short days ago had told me that she loved me had decided the my personality, the thing that makes me, well, me, was something that needed drastic changes. I'm in favour of change. I change pants, t-shirt and breakfast cereal almost every other day. But having someone tell you that your personality needs to change... I'm more likely to start creating artistic tea towels featuring tasteful nudes of well known chefs. Not a bad idea come to think of it.

I won't speak badly of her. Not even after she made me shake. She has issues with her body image. Massive issues. First five weeks - lights out sex. No exception. Whenever she got out of bed I was told to look away. Jeans and large tops were the clothes of choice, whatever the occasion. She was not an overweight girl. Sexy, confident and clever. Didn't like herself a whole bunch though... But, I liked her. Would have loved her. With all of me.

I've been writing scripts this week for a new food and wine show that I'm directing and cutting, so I haven't really let myself think about the whole thing yet... I sent my final drafts for episodes 1-4 to the producer this afternoon so tonight I'm going to drink enough to kill any thoughts that I have, might have, will ever have.

I'm newly 34 years old. And I have friends that don't think I'm offensive.

I'm chucking that on my CV.

Before I pass out.

Anyone know any single women?

Love Me Tender, Or Slightly Tough

I had those words spoken to me a couple of days ago... you know the ones... there's three of them. They start with 'I' and end with 'love you'.

Where to from here?

No fucking idea.

A Post In Two Parts

Firstly - I've had a few requests for pics of my new place from overseas folk, so here, courtesy of my reliable phone camera are a few of the lounge, kitchen and of course, my piano. The exposure aint great coz I really just couldn't be arsed, but you get the idea... Lots of space, lots of open plan type styles and plenty of wood.

I swear, there is not a better phone camera on the market then my darling Nokia N95. 5 megapix and it forgives me when I cheat on it with my Canon SLR. Geek info over.

Second part - moving... you know what happens... you clear out a few drawers and discover thngs you haven't seen in years. I bumped into an old love letter from a girl that broke my heart, and frankly for a girl that shattered me, she said some very nice things. Girls are complicated.

I also came across a piece of writing I did a couple of years ago. I used to be the movie reviewer, and television editor, for a New Zealands biggest music and lifestyle magazine. It's called Rip It Up, and while I stopped writing for them about a year ago I loved the whole process.

Aaanyway - moving... I found a review that I wrote that the mag refused, kindly, but still refused, to publish. So fuck it. Here it is. The movie has come and gone but I still kinda like the complete and utter nonsense that this review is... See below.



300
By Similar Simian

The Flick

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of The Transporter. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it Kittens Making Candles and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

Two cool things about the movie and one thing I didn’t like -
Cool Thing 1
Heavy metal during battle scenes - Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? Lord Of The Rings could’ve used some Guns n Roses. This movie has that chu-chung! kind of metal that you hear in your head when your 17 year old boss at Caltex is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with rocks in your hand.
Cool Thing 2
Foes, Mini Bosses and a Big Boss - Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Paul Holmes on his back.

Not So Cool Thing
Dude Nudity (or Dud-ity) - These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen ass lunch. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.
10/10