Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Ink Me Freely

Poor Mr Williams. Mr Williams is 23 years old and he lives in America. America is the land of the free and the home of the brave so Mr Williams should be happy but he is sad.

One day Mr Williams went to a place where people write on you and you pay them money. And what they write on you doesn't come off. The place he went to was called Eternal Tattoos. Eternal means that what they write on you really seriously doesn't come off.

Lots of people have tattoos. Most of these people are boys. Some girls get tattoos but my mum says these are not nice girls and I shouldn't talk to them, even when they talk to me. My mum says good girls don't get tattoos because good girls have more sense.

Anyway, Mr Willams isn't a girl. He is a very tough man. The trouble was that lots of people didn't know how tough he was so Mr Williams wanted to get a tattoo which would tell them. Then he wouldn't have to bash them all the time. He could just show them his tattoo and they would say, 'Ooooo you're tough Mr Williams,' and he would say, 'Yes.'

So Mr Williams went up to the nice man in Eternal Tattoos and said, 'I would like a tattoo which tells people I am tough.' The nice man said that all tattoos make people think you're tough and what tattoo did Mr Williams want. Mr Williams thought for a bit and he said, 'I want you to write VILLAIN on my arm.'

'Okay,' said the tattooist.

Mr Williams was happy because he knew the word VILLAIN would frighten people. If he went into a bank he could just roll up his sleeve and point at his tattoo and people would say, 'After you Mr Villain,' and let him go to the front of the queue. And if he wanted to buy something in a shop he could ask the price and when the girl in the shop said a big price Mr Williams could point at his arm and say a small price and the girl would say, 'Okay.'

When Mr Williams came out with his new tattoo on his arm he was very proud. The first thing he did was go into a clothes shop and buy several t-shirts with very short sleeves. He put on one of the t-shirts then he went up to an old lady on the street and showed her his tattoo and said. 'Grrrr.'

The old lady opened her handbag and took out her glasses and put them on. Then she started laughing. 'Ha ha,' said the old lady.

'Grrrr,' said Mr Williams very loudly this time, but the old lady laughed and laughed. 'Stop laughing,' said Mr Williams, 'I am a VILLAIN.'

'No you're not,' said the old lady. 'You're a VILLIAN.'

Mr Williams looked at his arm and saw the old lady was right. He was a VILLIAN. Mr Williams sat down in the road and started crying. 'Boo hoo,' said Mr Williams, 'I wanted to be a VILLAIN.'

'There there,' said the old lady and she put her arm around him. 'Don't worry about a silly old tattoo,' She was a very nice old lady.

Mr Williams went back into the clothes shop and swapped his t-shirts for shirts with long sleeves and then he went home to be sad.

Bu the story might still have a happy ending because Mr Williams lives in America which is the land of the free and the home of the brave and a place with lots of lawyers. One day a lawyer heard about the tattoo that was spelt wrong and he went to see Mr Williams. 'I am a lawyer,' said the lawyer. 'I am a villain,' said Mr Williams, carefully covering up his arm, 'I break the law.'

'Don't be silly,' said the lawyer, 'The law is your friend. We will sue the nasty tattooist.'

And they did. And Mr Williams was no longer sad. He was happy, in the land of the free and the home of the brave.


Kate said...

I wish you would write something every day.

Similar Simian said...

I can't. I'm busy making award winning television...

Plus, people would notice if I was drunk every day.

Ju said...

that is crazy weird. Infact...I think it went completley over my head.
Do you and Kate have a secret club...???