Monday, July 14, 2008


My bedroom light fizzled then died. I crept to the kitchen for a replacement bulb.
One week and three trips to the supermarket later, I remembered to buy one. The dead bulb had held 60 watts so I bought one containing 100 watts. It should last nearly twice as long.

I stood on my bed. I reached for the light. Raising both hands above one's head does little for the balance. Nevertheless I removed the dead lightbulb. I did this by not letting go of it as I fell. The glass came away nicely in lots of little pieces. Some of them even had blood on them, making a lovely decorative effect on my snowy white bachelor linen.

Close technical inspection revealed that I had indeed removed the bulb. What I hadn't removed was what home handymen call the metal thing that fits into the other thing. I headed to the toolbox for pliers. One week and three trips to the supermarket later I remebered to buy pliers. They had green handles and were made in Taiwan and they didn't cost very much. They said 'Heavy Duty' on the handle. They were awesome.
I stood on the bed again. The thing that was stuck in the other thing came out with a crack. A chunk of the thing it was stuck into broke off. The pliers broke too. Undaunted I inserted the new bulb. It lit up.

A large, painful handful of live electricity unnerves me and as I fell back into my snowy bachelor linen I gracefully turned so as to land on the pliers which now had no handles. Standing and peering into the thing I saw that the bit of the thing I had broken off was the bit of the thing that held the lightbulb onto the thing. It wasn't just a lightbulb I needed. I needed an entire new thing. One week and three trips to the supermarket later I remembered to find out that the supermarket doesn't sell things. I needed a specialist thing shop. I thought of asking someone to help me. Pride said no.

The man in the eletrical shop smiled when I explained in technical terms exactly what I was looking for. It was the smile of one expert to another. In no time at all he unearthed exactly the right thing. 'That's exactly the right thing', I said. He smiled again and the two other people in the shop smiled too. I liked the eletrical thing shop.

Getting home I paused only to fetch a screwdriver from the toolbox.
One week, three trips to the supermarket and one to Placemakers later I had a nifty new set of screwdrivers. They had blue handles and were made in Taiwan. They were awesome. I was ready.

When I detached the broken thing the light shade fell off with it. I put it aside and attached a new thing to a wire. It was easy. I inserted the lightbulb. It stayed inserted. Dismounting the bed I started breathing again and turned the light switch. The light went on. I tried not to smile. I failed badly. I went to put the lamp shade back on. I found that to put the lamp shade back on I needed to detach the new thing.

I went to bed.


shoot said...

Matty - did ya get that 'thing' I sent 'ya? ;)

Ju said...

Dr House I sent the link of this post to lots of peeps...and they now think you are probably far far funnier than you really are! Lucky you. I want a wine

Kate said...

Blame Julia, but I probably think you are far funnier than you are.
Buy her a bottle. Not a glass.

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