Touch My Beans

Since Roman times they've been saying silly things about wine - 'in the finish a hint of vanilla and asphalt' is a particular favourite. Nonsense wording aside, wine has continued to do its principle job of making you sleep with people you shouldn't, or say regrettable things at dinner parties. It should be noted that sometimes both of these things happen on the same night and are undoubtably related.

Now however, and this is serious, the high priests of pretension have got their claws into coffee.

Coffee is a simple thing and it's good. In the morning it prises apart the eyelids and unbends the fingers. At work it soothes the hangover. It makes the ideal accompaniment to fifteen cigarettes. It's bad for you. Coffee is awesome.

But now - and I quote a conversation I overheard the other day somewhere in a trendy part of the city:

Waitperson: 'Welcome sir, to our unpretentious brasserie somewhere in the trendy part of the city. My name is Gustave. I am your waitperson today. You may admire my pony-tail. What can I do for you sir?'
Generic Man: 'A cup of coffee please.'
Waitperson: (suppressing a giggle) 'I beg your pardon sir?'

Generic Man: 'A cup of coffee please...'

Waitperson: (patronisingly now, for it has dawned on him that he is dealing with Generic Man: 'Do you perchance mean a latte with an acute accent Sir? Or perhaps a Cappuccino with a randon number of p's and c's scattered through it's name and then sprinkled with a light coating of midget dust to disguise the flavour of burnt coffee which you will barely taste anyway due to the seven inches of froth covering the entire cup... Or perhaps a short black is what you require, with or without racial jokes...'

At this point Generic Man realises he has two options. He can leave. Or he can hit the waitperson. While I don't condone violence, unless ninjas are involved, I recommend hitting the waitperson and then biting him when he's on the ground.

Anyway - I say wine is fine as it is. And so is coffee. But for now it seems the pretentious are no longer content in their traditional temples. They are aiming to reach further into our community. They are not welcome in mine.